


Putting Down Roots

by Poetry



Series: Dæmorphing [18]
Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Autism Spectrum, Codependency, Family, Gender Issues, Other, Sharing a Body, Slow Romance, Voluntary Controllers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 23:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10057115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: The others would call it disgusting. Infestation.Violation. Tobias and Rachel, if they had words for what they did together, would call it putting down roots.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fluffydeath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffydeath/gifts).



> Written for the Fandom Trumps Hate auction, to raise money for Standing Rock.

**I. Two of Cups (Connection)**

_Set during Ch. 5 of The Bright Clear Line_

Rachel let me in through the window and said, “Thank fuck you’re here. My head is way too loud,” which was her way of asking me to go inside her head.

Coming to visit Rachel’s house has been harder since Abineng settled as a sable antelope. She lives on the ground floor now, so I have to check carefully that there’s no one looking out through the back windows before I fly to hers and tap on it. Sometimes, if Naomi is cooking dinner, her view from the kitchen window means I just have to give up and turn back, with thought-spoken apologies to Rachel through her drawn curtain.

But living on the ground floor means that Rachel’s room has the door to the garage, which means that Abineng can come in and out. She opened the door, waited for Abi to wipe his hooves on the mat, and then he was taking up a third of the room with his dark bulk. Inside me – no, outside me, from Z-space, where my dæmon was most of the time, when I wasn’t human – I felt Elhariel wish she could fly to Abi’s neck and perch there, a fleck of dark gray feathers against his dark fur.

I morphed to Yoort. That was always the worst part. All my senses melt away except for touch. The air becomes dry and harsh against my slimy skin. All I can do is wriggle helplessly in Rachel’s hand when she picks me up. But then she puts me to her ear, and everything changes.

She let me feel the weight of her body. That was always the best part. Rachel is a gymnast. She has this feeling all the time that her spine is anchoring her to the ground, like a tree. She knows where her weight is. She feels her breath shift when she moves. From her self-defense classes with Mike, she can feel it in Abineng too, where he’s solidly rooted and where he can flow. I’ve never felt like that in my own human body, ever. It makes me feel powerful. Beautiful. Like Rachel.

Rachel opened her eyes slowly, letting me take it in. I notice different things in her room through her eyes than I do through my own. Everything with a matching color – pink throw pillow, pink checks on the rug, pink border on the bulletin board, pink lip gloss on the vanity – came together into a pattern that filled the room. The liquid rush of pipes overhead meant that her mom was taking one of her scalding hot showers.

Then she let the thoughts and feelings come in. Exhaustion, after carrying out that mission on the island on such short notice. Heartsickness, for what Marco had almost done to his mother. Worry for her little sister Sara, who was just diagnosed with autism, and would have to take special classes. Relief and tenderness, directed at me, because I’d come when she’d called. Rage, from Abineng, thinking of what he might have done if Naomi had been in Eva’s place, how he’d tear Visser Three apart himself to get her back –

«Hey, Abi,» Elhariel said. «You hear that? Someone’s knocking at the door. Sounds like Sara, doesn’t it?»

«Oh,» said Abi. «Yeah.» And he calmed down, because he had to be calm for Sara and Zyanya.

Rachel opened the door. Zyanya was a silky anteater on Sara’s arm, almost too cute to be real. Sara had a Polly Pocket open in her hand and was staring down into it. “Can I braid your hair, Rachel?” she said, not looking up.

“Sure,” Rachel said, smiling. She sat down on her bed and patted the duvet next to her. Sara flicked her arm toward Abi, and Zyanya jumped off of it and climbed up Abi’s neck to his horn. Zyanya, I could see in a quickly shown flash of Rachel’s memories, changed gender every few weeks – either that, or Sara and her dæmon used “he” and “she” and male and female forms pretty much interchangeably. It annoyed people, even Rachel when she was younger, but she’d gotten used to it. Zyanya seemed to be a she these days, as far as Rachel knew. She ran her claws carefully along the ridges of Abi’s horn, as if counting them.

«I’m intruding,» I said. «This is sister time. Let’s just go to the bathroom, and I’ll get out of you, and I’ll get out of the house in cockroach morph or something.»

«Hey, Tobias, it’s fine,» Rachel said, and showed me how fine she was, a warm burn of fondness and comfort. «If you weren’t – I mean, if things were different – I’d want her to meet you. They’d like you, you know.»

She imagined it. I could see it in her head. She let me see. She walked in the house with me, arm in arm. Her mom and sisters were waiting in the living room. She said, “This is my boyfriend, Tobias,” and let her hair fall like a curtain across her face before kissing me on the cheek. Naomi smiled and said, “Any boy good enough for Rachel is welcome in my house any time.”

«But we can’t do that,» Rachel said, «so you can meet Sara like this instead.»

Sara closed her Polly Pocket with a snap and set it aside. “You’re too tall,” she said to Rachel. “Sit on the floor.”

Rachel slid down to the rug at the foot of her bed. Sara took a hank of hair and started braiding. The steady rhythm felt nice against my scalp, pulling but only a little. Not my scalp, Rachel’s scalp. Sara knew what she was doing. The rhythm never paused. Her fingers were warm and sure. When she got to the end, she stood up, and Abineng shifted back so she could get ribbons from the vanity, without having to ask Rachel where they were. Zyanya was a ladybug now, walking in a spiral around Abi’s horn. Sara tied off the braid with a ribbon and started on a new one. The feeling was hypnotic, Sara’s steady attention, Rachel’s easy comfort with her sister, the gentle pressure on her scalp.

“You look pretty, Rachel,” Sara said as she tied off the fourth braid.

“Abi,” said Zyanya, who was hanging by her tail from Abi’s horn as a pygmy marmoset. “Move over so Rachel can look in the mirror.”

Abi backed into what little space was left, and Rachel stood up. I could feel the braids moving heavily against her cheeks, the ribbons whispering against her shirt. In the mirror, she looked different. There were two braids on each side of her face, ending in yellow ribbons. I felt like I should be sitting in a meadow, Elhariel bringing me flowers to weave into a garland, a crown for the glory of her hair. It was her face but it made me feel beautiful. The feeling was too huge and warm and strangely-shaped for me to hold.

Rachel smiled, looking at Sara through the mirror, reflected. “Thank you. It looks really nice. Do you want me to braid your hair, too?”

Sara shook her head, her shorter hair waving around her face. She hummed and rocked back and forth on the bed. “No. I just wanted to make you look like that. It’s like dolls but better.” She picked up her Polly Pocket, held out her hand for Zyanya to land on it as a sparrow, and left the room.

“Did you like it?” Abi asked me.

«Yeah,» I said. Then, in a rush, before I could stop myself, because the inside of Rachel’s head was like soaking in courage: «I wish I could do that.»

“Why can’t you?” Abi said.

«My hair isn’t long enough.»

Rachel thought, «What did you like about it?»

«She showed you that she cared about you,» El said. «And she showed it in a way you can keep.» She stroked the smooth bumps of a braid. «And it made you look different. Not like morphing. In a way you can… I don’t know, understand. She put the braids around your face because it’s like a frame for your face. I don’t know. Do you get what I mean?» she said, laying herself bare in Rachel’s mind, showing all these feelings we couldn’t name.

«I’ll think about it,» Rachel said. «I’ll figure something out.» Her eyes flicked to her wall clock, serious with Roman numerals. «But right now, it’s time for you to demorph.»

I left her head and demorphed. For the first time, it didn’t feel quite right. I could fly, I could see, I could hear, which was all good. But I couldn’t have my hair braided, or a room with pillows that matched the rug, just so. I couldn’t have had that even when I was human. But it seemed even farther away from me, now.

When I slept in my tree in the meadow, I dreamed of the weight of braids against my soft human face.

  


**II. Two of Swords (Compromise)**

_Set after Ch. 3 of Abel or Cain_

Rachel was showing me how she put on makeup. She stood in front of her vanity, and I saw her face in the mirror as she swiped concealer under her eyes, her fingertips gentle against the thin skin there.

«I only wear it sometimes,» she said. «It makes me feel better. Sometimes. Like, even if I’m exhausted like I am now, if I look less tired, I feel less tired. Fake it ’til you make it.» Rachel let me see a few glimpses in her memories: watching her mother touch up her makeup before she went out for the fifth straight day of tough court case, trying it out herself after a battle robbed her of all her sleep.

Behind Rachel in the mirror, Abi tilted his head. She never gives me access to him, from her mind, and I’m fine with that. “Mom’s coming,” he said.

A moment later, Naomi opened the door, just a little. “Rachel,” she called through the gap, sounding harassed, like she usually did. “Can you get Jordan and Sara ready? We’re going back to Steve and Jean’s.”

Abineng snorted and flattened his ears back. Disbelief, then anger, pricked across Rachel’s skin like hot needles. She turned around, and Abi opened the door the rest of the way with his snout. “No we’re _not,_ ” Rachel ground out through her teeth. “We’ve already been there three days in a row. Sara was so stressed out yesterday at shiva she barely ate anything and went to go hide in the attic.”

“That’s a reaction to grief,” Naomi said, flinging up her hands. “She needed to let it out in her own way. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be there for Steve and Jean when their _child died._ ”

Rachel moved toward the door and put her hand on Abi’s neck. Abineng wanted to scream: _he’s not dead, Mom, he’s alive and he’s all fucked up, we faked his death, this is all a lie to protect him._ But he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t. “She hid in the attic because she was overwhelmed, Mom! Too many people feeling too many things all around her! She needs a _break_!”

Naomi’s blue jay dæmon – Caedhren, Rachel’s brain showed me – launched himself from her shoulder and flew an agitated little circle around her head. Elhariel’s a bird too but she never really did stuff like that. Things were easier when my aunt and uncle couldn’t tell how upset I was. “Your aunt and uncle and cousin need _us._ Rachel, if I lost you, I don’t know where I’d be. But I know I would need all the help I could get. They’ve been walking around like zombies. We have to be there for them. Sara can hide in the attic if she has to, but we’ve got to go. Do you just want to leave them there? Alone in the house knowing Tom’s not there anymore?”

“Then _you_ go!” Rachel shouted. I could feel her face warm, feel the fierce fire of her need to protect Sara. I’d felt protective toward Ax and Loren before, but never this feeling of responsibility, like their lives were tiny flames and I was their shelter from the wind. That was the image in Rachel’s mind: cupping a tiny flame in her hands, watching it flicker, knowing the whole world would go dark if it went out. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how. This was so far beyond what I knew about family it might have come from the other side of the world – or the galaxy. Rachel put her hand on her hip and went on, “You go, Mom. I’ll stay here with Jordan and Sara. Or you can take Jordan, if she feels like it. I think maybe she does want to. But not Sara. She can’t take another day of this.”

Caedhren settled back on Naomi’s shoulder. She sighed, and suddenly looked ten years older. I remembered that from her point of view, her teenage nephew had just died in a horrible accident. This was wearing on her, too. “Fine. I’ll ask Sara if she’d rather stay home with you.”

All the heat and anger drained out of Rachel. Abi leaned into her side. “Thanks, Mom. I just – I know you were busy helping Aunt Jean and Uncle Steve, but I was there with Sara, and I could see how hard it was on her and – yeah.”

Naomi smiled weakly. “You’re a good sister, Rachel.” Caedhren gave a little caw, and Naomi shut the door.

«That’s it?» I said. «The fight’s over?»

I couldn’t find Rachel’s feelings suddenly; she’d hidden them away from me. «Well, yeah. I mean, Mom’ll feel bad that I noticed that Sara needed a break and she didn’t, so that’ll be kind of hard to deal with. But she was already feeling terrible anyway, so it doesn’t make much of a difference. We’ll get over it. We always do. Mom promised, after the divorce. No matter how much we argued, we’d always find a way to work it out.» She showed her emotions again, or at least part of them. She was totally sure her mom would keep her promise, no matter what.

I wished I could believe in something like that too. But my family was too new. It all felt so fragile. I could only hope that one day it would feel the way Rachel’s did for her.

  


**III. Five of Wands (Conflict)**

_Set between Abel or Cain and The Guided and the Lost_

When we arrived in the valley, some of the Hork-Bajir came to say hi to me and Tobias, like they always do when he comes. “Friend Rachel come to see cousin?” said Tak Shipa, one of the Hork-Bajir given the job of keeping an eye on Tom.

“Yeah,” I said. “How is he?”

Tak thought about this for a little while. “Angry. Lonely.” He smiled at me. “Need family. Tak will take Rachel to Tom.”

“Thanks,” I said. I looked around at Tak and the other Hork-Bajir gathered around. “But uh, can you leave me and Tobias alone for a few minutes first?”

The Hork-Bajir dispersed, waving cheerfully to me and Tobias as they went. Tak said, “Tak will wait by stream for Tobias and Rachel.”

When we were alone, I said to Tobias, “I want you to come with me.”

«Are you sure that’s a good idea?» he said, looking down at me from his perch. «Tom doesn’t know me.»

“Not like that.” _You still can’t say it out loud,_ Abi said. _Coward._ “You know. _With_ me.”

«From what I saw about him in your head, he’d be really upset if he knew.»

“Well, I’m not gonna tell him. He won’t know the difference.”

«But isn’t that lying? Or at least keeping something important from him?»

“We’re keeping all kinds of important things from a lot of people,” I said. “And if you don’t come with me, I’m not gonna do it.” I breathed deep. “Tom won’t let Jake see him. Jake went to visit yesterday and he threw a fit over us bringing voluntary Controllers to the valley. He might do the same thing to me. Tell me I’m a traitor. I can’t – I don’t want to hear that from him. If you came along, it’d be easier.” I held out my arm for him to perch on. He hesitated, then glided down. I braced myself for his weight. I wanted to kiss him, lips on lips, because I could do that now. But he didn’t have lips, so I pressed a kiss to his feathered head. Then he morphed, and I gritted my teeth against the melt and slide of him shrinking down into a slimy Yoort on my arm.

The first cold touch of the slime to my ear always makes me shiver. But then my ear went numb, and all I felt was distant pressure. Then there was a sort of pulling inside my head as he reached for my senses, which I let him have. Then he pulled on my feelings, and I let him feel those too. Even just knowing I’m not the only one who knows what’s going on inside my head makes it easier to deal with.

I walked out from the trees. Normally I might have walked along with my hand on Abi’s neck, but I mostly avoid touching him when Tobias is in my head. Something about it is just too weird. Tak saw me and led me along the bend of the creek. I felt Tobias’s question in my head, and pushed forward the memory of Jake telling me that Tom had moved out from the yurt, because he couldn’t stand living with the Peace Movement hosts. His tent was back up, and near it Luis was building some kind of shelter. That was good. Tom was going to be here for a while, and he shouldn’t have to live in a tent the whole time. Luis saw me, waved, and came over. Zefirita even tried to nose at Abi, but he shied away. Interacting with a hologram dæmon was more pretending than he had to do around the Chee when no normal people were watching.

“How’s Tom?” I asked Luis.

“I assume Jake told you what happened when he came yesterday.” I nodded. Luis ran a hand through his graying dreadlocks and sighed. “I think seeing you would be good for him. But I’m not going to lie, Rachel. It won’t be easy on you. He finds it very hard to trust anyone right now, especially you and Jake, I’m afraid. He knows you had to keep secrets from him, but it still hurts.”

“Whatever,” I said. “I can handle it.”

Abineng said to Luis, “I’ll let you know if they need you in there.” I ducked into the tent, leaving him and Luis outside.

Tom was kneeling, doing some kind of exercise with his arms outstretched. Physical therapy from the Chee, I guessed. Delareyne paced restlessly across the tent, but froze in place when she saw me. “Rachel,” she said.

“Hi.” I smiled. “How’s your exercise going?”

“Better,” Tom murmured, his eyes tracking his hands as they pulsed up and down.

I braced myself. «I’m ready,» I told Tobias. «Whatever he wants to say – that we’re monsters for not rescuing him earlier – that we should let him fight with us – I can take it.»

«Yes,» Tobias said, simply. «You can.»

But I wasn’t ready for what Delareyne actually said, which was, “Rachel? What am I supposed to do?”

I stared at her and Tom.

“We can’t fight,” Del said. “We’re stuck in this valley with a bunch of traitors who miss their Yeerks. You get it, Rachel, right? You’d hate this too. So what am I supposed to do?”

My eyes filled. I blinked away the tears. I didn’t know what to say.

«Yes you do,» Tobias said. «You know what to do when Sara needs you. You’re a big sister.»

«Tom is older than me.»

«Not when it comes to the war he isn’t.»

«Jordan,» I thought. «What would I say to Jordan if it were her in here?»

“Make yourself better,” I said. “And I don’t just mean get better, ‘cause you know, duh. But think about it. The Yeerks used your body to help themselves, not to help you. Now you use you for you. Learn stuff. _Make yourself better._ ”

Tom and Del said nothing, but Del tilted her head in a way that meant she was thinking hard about what I said. Tom finished his exercise, turned to me, and said, “Is that what you’ve done? Make yourself better? ‘Cause I gotta say, it mostly looks like you’ve sold yourselves out and made a bunch of dirty deals so you can win.”

I clenched my teeth. He couldn’t possibly know how much of myself I’d sold for this war. But the words hit too close anyway. “You don’t know what it’s like, Tom. I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to go through what you did. But you don’t know what it’s like for me either.”

Tom settled back on his heels. Del paced around him in a tight circle. He said, “How was the funeral?”

“It fucking sucked,” I said. “God, Tom, do you know how much I wanted to tell them all that you were okay? That we’d gotten you _free_? That they should be celebrating?”

Tom’s jaw muscle ticked. “Celebrating. Right.”

“Yeah, celebrating! Are you saying I shouldn’t be happy to have you back?”

“You don’t have me back,” Tom said. “I’m not the guy you knew.”

“That’s not what I wanted,” I said. “The old Tom. I wanted the Tom who knew about the war. The Tom who’d survived everything. I wanted _you_ , you asshole.” I spread my arms. “It’s not like I’m the girl you knew, either.”

Tom looked me up and down. “No,” he said. “You’re not.”

Delareyne craned her head toward the tent flap. “Can you get Luis back in here? I want to see if he has anything else for us to do.”

My face burned. My nails bit into my palms as I clenched my fists. «Easy, Rachel,» Tobias said. Outside the tent, Abi called for Luis. «Easy. You know he needs help, right? He’s doing things he doesn’t mean.»

“You can think whatever you want about me,” I began. I could feel the anger building in me. I was about to start shouting. I was about to do something scary. Things I didn’t mean. So I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave up control. I let Tobias have my body.

My heart slowed in my chest. My lungs filled and emptied. My mouth said, “Sorry, Tom. I think we should take a break.” My legs bunched and moved, and I was back outside the tent with Abineng.

Luis came over and studied my face. “Sorry. I thought something like this might happen.”

“It’s fine,” I said. Easy, automatic, like I had been in control of my body all along. “I said some things I needed to say. Maybe he heard them. Guess we’ll find out.”

Luis nodded and went in the tent. “Thank you,” Abi said to Tobias, looking in my eyes.

«I can’t always be there,» he said. «When you’re about to lose control.»

Abi laughed dryly. “I know. But hey. Maybe we do this enough times, and my body will remember what it’s like to _not_ do the stupid thing.”

«If it were Ax who was hurt like that – » Tobias began. But he stopped. I could feel confusion and shock from him.

«You don’t know what you’d do,» I guessed. «If it was Ax who was hurt like that.»

“Hey,” Abineng said softly. “We’ll make sure you never have to find out.”

  


**IV. Six of Pentacles (Generosity)**

_Set during Ch. 3 of The Guided and the Lost_

Tobias and I met eyes, yellow stare to yellow stare, and went for the cover of the trees. Once I was out of sight, I started to go human. I was surprised to see Tobias doing the same thing. We were like mirrors, kind of. Or maybe like cartoons animated by two different people who were told to draw birds turning into people, and both of them were messed up in the head.

When we were done morphing, Tobias was standing in a stripe of sunlight between the trees. A leaf fell into his dirty blond frizz and stuck there. He bit his lip. Elhariel flew to perch on Abineng’s head, rubbing her beak along his brow. I surged forward and held myself very near Tobias, sharing the same air. His eyes dropped to my mouth, but he waited for me. The sun shone through his eyelashes. I gripped the back of Tobias’s head, flexing my fingers in his flyaway hair, and pressed his mouth into mine. He relaxed against me and made a low, falling noise, like he was letting go of a held breath. He pushed back against my fingers in his hair, like a cat silently asking to be pet more. I pulled out of the kiss and stroked the fine hair at the back of his head. There was a flush across his cheeks. I’d put it there.

“I went to the Hork-Bajir valley,” Tobias said, his lips moving against my cheek. “Elgat Kar says I have damage to my _hrala_. From being in that… thing.”

“Can I help?” I said. From the corner of my eye, I saw that Abi’s eyes were closed in pleasure as El combed the fine hairs on his face with her beak.

“Yeah,” Tobias said. “Elgat said… I mean, she didn’t exactly say. But what we do together. It makes _hrala_. Enough that the Hork-Bajir can see the difference.”

“Do you want me to,” I began. I hesitated. “I mean. We always do it the other way around. But I morphed Illim, that time we saved Aftran from the Yeerk Pool. So I could. If that would help.”

“Okay,” Tobias said. “I trust you.”

That made me flush all over. I could feel the heat spreading down to my collarbone, my chest. Tobias trusted me. Inside his _head_. I pressed a kiss to his forehead. I was scared. I hadn’t liked morphing Illim, before. More than that, I was scared of messing this up, of hurting Tobias somehow.

 _Come on,_ Abi said. _It’s like that time we morphed trout. It’s just a water creature. A swimmy thing._ He pictured being small, swimming through the water, blind but knowing where to go. The changes began.

Elhariel kept stroking Abi right up until he disappeared. I said to Tobias, «I hate this,» as my whole world drowned in sticky slime.

«I hate that part too,» he said. «The next part is hard too. There’s this instinct to take over _everything_. You have to fight it. But then after that – that’s the good part.» He picked me up; his hand squeezed around me as I morphed the last of myself away. I felt a small, dark space ahead of me – his ear. Gross. Not that his ear was gross, but me going _in_ there was. The Yeerk in me, though, didn’t hesitate. It rushed in, eager. I wrapped around his brain and there was _so much_. Elhariel perched on Tobias’s forearm. Awareness of the forest, a mental map of the meadow and the woods where Ax ran and built his scoop. Memory of the cage coming down, the chamber activating, the certainty that this was the end –

«STOP!» Elhariel cried. «I’m not ready for you to see that! That’s private!»

«I’m sorry,» I said. «The Yeerk instincts – I just – I don’t know how to stop!»

«Just… pull on things you want, okay? And I’ll tell you whether it’s okay for you to have.»

«Okay,» I said slowly. Against all the Yeerk’s instincts I broke all my connections to Tobias’s brain. Then I pulled out the vision, and there was no problem there. I could see Elhariel sitting very still on Tobias's arm. Hearing: the cries of a flock of passing jays, which Tobias knew all too well from their mobbing attacks. Smell: leaf litter and the recent rain. Touch: Elhariel’s little claws digging into skin. The awareness of Tobias’s body. I stopped there, but I could feel a truth in Tobias’s body, one he didn’t stop me from knowing. _I’m more comfortable with Rachel’s human body than I am with mine._

«Hey,» I said. «Let’s see if we can do something about that. You wanna go for a walk in the meadow?»

I let Tobias do the walking, just sticking to his senses for now. But even with those, I could get a lot. The way he moved stiffly, self-consciously, like he was walking down a hallway at school instead of his territory, a place he knew better than I knew any place, even my own neighborhood. The way the realest, most solid sensation for him was Elhariel’s claws on his arm. The distance of his hands and feet from his mind, not much more than vague sensations at the edge of his awareess. «Hey,» I said. «Your fists are clenched. You feel that? You don’t have to do that. You can just relax.»

Tobias’s hands uncurled.

«Just breathe,» I said. «Like I do. You know what that’s like.»

Tobias’s breaths came deeper, from his belly instead of his throat, the way I learned to do in gymnastics. He sat on a fallen tree at the edge of the meadow – no, perched, feet on the log, legs bent.

I reached for control of his legs, just bunching the muscles up, first. Tense, relax, like we did in exercises before gymnastics. I kept myself open, on purpose, letting Tobias into my feelings as much as I could. Tobias said nothing, just breathed. I rearranged him so he was sitting on the log instead, an easy forward slouch. I let go of his legs and tightened up his biceps, then released. Elhariel fluttered off to perch on the log, leaving his arms free.

I leaned forward and plucked two sprigs of a purple wildflower – when I looked at it and wondered what it was, Tobias offered up an answer in his mind: lupine. I weaved their stems together. Tobias smiled; I could feel the muscles in his face relax into it. Carefully, slowly, so Tobias could tell me to stop if he wanted, I stood up and collected a different purple wildflower, darker and teardrop-shaped – _vetch_ , Tobias explained – and sat back down on the fallen tree to weave them into the garland. When I finished the circle, I lay it on Tobias’s head, where it instantly flopped down into his face. “Too big,” El said, laughter in her voice, dragging the garland off Tobias’s head with her beak.

I weaved the garland more tightly, and this time it stayed. «I want you to see how it looks,» I said. «Is there a pool somewhere so you can see your reflection?»

«There’s a pond in the woods,» Tobias said, and he walked us there, Elhariel flying ahead like a guide, showing me the way. There was a haze of flies over the pond, and a tiny turtle resting on a rotting branch. The water was very still. Tobias knelt by the pond and looked down. The tiny florets of lupine and vetch went every which way in his flyaway hair, as if they’d fallen from the sky and just happened to settle in a crown pattern on his head. With that and his skintight tan morphing outfit, he looked like a forest fairy or something, stopping by the pond to gossip with the frogs. I was pretty sure the fairies in the books my sisters and I read as little kids did things like that.

«You look so pretty,» Abineng said, and I felt and saw the flush creep up Tobias’s neck.

The bushes rustled, and I heard hooves. «Ax _,»_ Tobias thought at me. «Interrupting us again.» I remembered the time he almost caught us kissing and laughed inside his head.

If I’d been taken aback by how much Tobias noticed the woods, I was really caught off guard by everything he noticed about Ax. His fur was clean – I would never have known myself what exact shade of blue it was supposed to be – his blade was freshly sharpened, and he was running at a pace that meant he was feeding. When he saw Tobias, he stopped, and focused his main eyes on him.

«That is a beautiful anointing of flowers,» Ax said approvingly. «What is the occasion?»

I was so busy boggling over Ax getting excited about flower crowns that I almost missed Tobias saying, “I’m doing a ritual. For, um. Connecting. With myself.”

«With your human body,» Ax guessed, surprising me again. There was so much I didn’t know about what Tobias and Ax had together. That made sense. They were uncle and nephew – or maybe more like brothers, since they were the same age. Tobias had risked Elhariel to save him from the severance chamber, just like I would have done for Jordan or Sara. I knew my sisters like nobody else did, even my mom. Even though they were a hawk-boy and an alien living in the woods, Tobias and Ax were siblings too. «We call it the centering ritual,» Ax explained. «It is used after a major bodily change – having one’s adult blade come in, giving birth, and so on.» He looked away with all his eyes except a stalk eye. «I should have suggested it to you myself. I apologize.»

“That’s okay,” Tobias said. “Tell me how it goes.”

«We anoint ourselves using flowers from our Guide Trees,» said Ax, «so not all of the ritual will apply. But we first hold the flowers in our hands and say: “From the bloom and wither of our Guide Trees from season to season, we learn to accept the changes in ourselves.”»

Tobias took the garland off his head and repeated the words.

«Then we anoint our heads with the flowers and say: “I am rooted in the earth. I am the lungs of the earth. As my Tree breathes out, so I breathe in. My body blooms and withers, but still I breathe on.”»

Tobias crowned himself with the flowers and said the words.

«I hope you can come to the homeworld someday,» said Ax softly, «so I might see Firi Dria’s petals fall on you.»

Tobias let me feel what he felt right then. His joy, his love for Ax, his stunned gratitude that he could finally have a family, like I’d always had. His fear of losing it.

«You won’t lose it,» I said. «You saw me fight with Mom. We made up. Because she’ll stay with me no matter what.» She’d promised me, after the divorce. I knew it was real, the same way I knew anything.

“I hope so too,” Tobias said quietly, and Ax smiled with his eyes and ran on.

  


**V. The Chariot (Forward)**

_Set during The Tree of Life_

Whatever Marco might think about his stepmother, his dad looked so _happy_ with her _._

They were dancing to some old song from the sixties, staring deep into each other’s eyes while Ms. Robinette’s poodle dæmon pulled Mirazai’s tank with his teeth, and yeah, my strict algebra teacher and Marco’s dad, who had been a total depressed fuck-up a million years ago when we first got the morphing power, were so sickeningly in love I bet they didn’t even notice Marco moving his ears in time to the music with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“We’d like to call the couple’s families to the dance floor,” said the emcee, and Marco had to get up and start dancing with Ms. Robinette’s niece, a tall college student with a katydid dæmon and two left feet. Marco whispered a joke in her ear the first time she stepped on him, and she forced a nervous laugh. At least she managed to keep her hands well clear of Diamanta wrapped around Marco’s torso. At the end of the song, he bowed to her and took a turn dancing with Ms. Robinette’s mom. He was actually a good dancer, maybe even better than me. That was a letdown. I’d been looking forward to making fun of his footwork.

I was at a table in the corner with the others, with plenty of space next to it for Abineng to stand without getting in anyone’s way. Tobias was sitting next to me, dressed in a rental suit he’d actually helped me pick out: dove-gray with a pink shirt and a purple tie. I’d put makeup on him, just enough for the two of us to notice and no one else: foundation, eyebrow pencil, blush, a little eyeliner. Every time he slipped away to demorph and remorph, I slipped away too, to get his clothes and makeup back into place. Let everyone think we were sneaking off to make out – after all, we did do a bit of that too. When we were able to give our lookout the slip, anyway. If I never heard Ax talk about our _mouthparts_ again, it would be too soon.

Abineng leaned toward Merlyse, reindeer-shaped next to him, and whispered, “When are you going to ask Cassie to dance?”

Merlyse leaned away from Abi while Jake shot Cassie nervous looks when her attention was turned on the dance floor. I snickered. It was never going to happen, but it sure was fun to tease him about it.

Marco whirled up to our table, Diamanta trailing a little loose behind him like coattails. A few strands of hair had come loose from his neat little ponytail. “So, Rachel,” he beamed. “I know you’ve been waiting for your chance to dance with the best man.”

I groaned. “Why are you called the best man when you’re actually the _worst_ man?”

“I promise to return you to Tobias in one piece,” Marco said solemnly, eyes sparkling.

“You don’t need to return me to anyone. Tobias doesn’t own me.” Even if I let him borrow my body every once in a while. Maybe especially because I let him borrow my body every once in a while.

“And boy, do I know it,” Tobias said, smiling lopsidedly.

“Whoa, even Tobias is smiling!” Marco said. “Now I know it’s a rockin’ party. C’mon, Xena. You in or you out?”

“As long as you clear a space for me,” Abi said.

Marco moved chairs aside for him, spinning from table to table like rearranging furniture was part of the dance. Ms. Robinette’s family stared at him. They were so not ready to have Marco in their stepfamily.

Abi stood in the space Marco cleared for him next to the dance floor, and a salsa song started up. Marco smiled, with just a bit of a twist to his mouth, pulled me into the dance. I even let him lead. There was no way around it: he definitely knew how to salsa better than I did. He moved so confidently and quickly to the beat that I had to focus just to keep up.

“Surprised?” he said, raising his eyebrows. “My mom taught me to dance. It’s how I charm all the girls.”

“I’ve seen you at school dances,” I said. “You just thrash around like everyone else.”

Marco winked. “Can’t give away my secret weapon.” He turned me so I could see back to my table. Tobias was watching, eyes wide, mouth a little open. El was perched on the back of a chair facing the dance floor at the edge of her range from Tobias, like she was trying to get a better view. I tingled all over. Marco had brought out the best in my dancing, with his lead. I was putting on a real show. Tobias was _mesmerized._

The song ended. Ms. Robinette’s sister came over and made as if to tap Marco on the shoulder, but Dia was draped over his left shoulder, so she couldn’t. I realized, for about the hundredth time, that Marco was a genius. With Diamanta wrapped all over him, any would-be overbearing stepfamily had to dance with him at arm’s length to keep from touching her. “Go on,” I told him.

Marco turned to his new dance partner. Over his shoulder, Diamanta whispered, “You think if I ask Cassie to dance it’ll get Jake’s butt in gear to dance too?”

“Don’t bet on it,” Abi told her. I joined him at the edge of the dance floor and looked back at Tobias. I gestured to him and mouthed, _Come._

He came over, blushing. “I’m not going to be as good as Marco. I learned all my dancing from gym class.”

“You’re not gonna be better at dancing than Marco,” I said, leaning back against Abi. “But I think you’ll be better than him at dancing _with me_.” I looked him up and down. I knew how he didn’t really know his center of gravity, and his arms and legs felt like heavy blocks sometimes, but he felt more easy with his hands. He liked to draw with them when he had the chance. He probably knew a lot more about how I moved.

Tobias rubbed the back of his neck, and his mouth curved into another one of those lopsided smiles. Just barely, below the music, I heard Elhariel make a low cooing noise in her chest, like a pigeon. It was more open feeling than I’d seen on him since before he got trapped in morph. “Okay. But this time, you lead.”

Sheryl Crow came on. I gestured to El, and she fluttered up to the top of Tobias’s head, so she wouldn’t get in the way of the dance. I wrapped my arm around his waist, because his side-to-side balance wasn’t so good, but I didn’t hold him too close, because he was used to needing room to spread his wings. He leaned back into my arm and settled his free hand at the sensitive skin at the nape of my neck. His flyaway hair streaked across his forehead, and I laughed, because he’d thought of everything I liked – taking charge and being trusted and a warm hand stroking my neck – and he had no thought for how he looked in that moment, open and shameless and happy.

“All I wanna do is have some fun,” Sheryl Crow sang, and we did. I whirled and dipped Tobias and he fell right into my grip and let me do it, Elhariel flapping away and laughing when I made her lose her grip on his hair. Nobody else would notice his eyeliner, but I did, and it made his eyes so big and bright they seemed to fill up the whole room. He looked so beautiful. I hoped he knew that.

We passed by Marco, who had ended up dancing with Cassie after all. He was keeping it slow and simple with her so she could keep up. I was kind of surprised to see that she was having fun. She was always so awkward at school dances I figured she didn’t like dancing at all. But she was wearing a nice blouse and slacks instead of a dress, which I’d picked out on the hunch she’d be more comfortable in them. There was no pressure, no other girls trying to ask Jake to dance, and she was laughing at Marco’s over-the-top gentlemanliness. It made me smile to see her like that.

Cassie caught sight of me and Tobias as I spun him out and reeled him back in. She blinked, and Quincy flew up from the back pocket of her slacks in surprise. Then she shook her head, smiled, and _winked_ , of all things.

“Cassie just winked at me,” I told Tobias, dipping him. “What does it mean?”

Tobias looked up at me from the dip and said, mock-seriously, “She’s impressed at how you’ve swept me off my feet.”

“I’ll show you sweeping off your feet,” I said, and changed the dip into a bridal-style carry. He yelped and Elhariel flew off, giggling. I took a few heavy steps off the dance floor and put him back down next to Abi. El landed between Abi’s eyes. My face was very close to Tobias’s. His breath puffed warm against my cheek. “You weren’t so bad. You didn’t step on my foot once.”

“I wouldn’t,” Tobias said. “I know you. I know how to make room for you.”

And he did. Even inside my own head, he made room for me. Of course we’d be able to dance together. _Who knows how much more we could do?_ Abi thought.

“I’m not sorry for… what we do together,” I breathed in his ear. _Still too scared to say it, after so many times,_ Abi thought. “But I like having you _here_ –” I squeezed his arms – “most of all.”


End file.
